Have you ever felt completely blown out of the water by your thoughts? I know I have on many occasions. I had the idea to write this blog because of something that happened today. It was no one’s fault that this happened, let me just clarify, but the way my thoughts carry is truly a remarkable experience and I just wanted to get it off my chest.
So let me give you a little back-story first. I work in an incredibly big company and as such, there are many, many people who I work alongside and I happen to be on a floor that is overpowered by incredibly intelligent men. One of whom happens to be very nice. I’ve always liked dealing with this man because he’s honest and will tell me how it is, he also helps me to understand things that have a lot to do with my job instead of telling me the fix, he tells me why we need to do it etc. So I hold him in high regard.
I recently had my half year review at work and I asked him to give feedback on my performance over the last 6 months. He did so and was actually quite nice about me in the review, which I found surprising since he is a no-nonsense straight shooter who tells it how it is. But anyway, so he happened to compliment me in an email as well which was also VERY surprising but nice nonetheless.
While at lunch today with a colleague, she mentioned that he might like me (the reason for him being so nice) and that shot straight into my brain, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. For the last two hours I have been going through the motions of what if he does? Is it possible? So here is what happened in those two hours.
Was told that he might like me.
Brain started to think that he was indeed cute…and intelligent…and humble
I started to think…what if he did?
Then it began to think of how truly smart he is…and how I’m not so smart…the fact that only made me think back to my last grade of only a Credit when I’ve been averaging Distinctions.
And thus began my self-loathing. No way would he like me. I’m not smart, I’d only bug him. I’m not pretty enough to be considered dateable, etc.
You get the picture. This could be because I have no self-esteem whatsoever, something also discussed at lunch, and it could be because I have set high standards for myself in the intelligence department and I don’t consider myself intelligent at all. And then comes the “could I be with someone highly successful and intelligent without feeling like a failure in life?”
What kind of road am I going down? What is this thing called self-esteem and where can I sign up for some?
Over and out,
Kandeee
