Self-Esteem....

Have you ever felt completely blown out of the water by your thoughts? I know I have on many occasions. I had the idea to write this blog because of something that happened today. It was no one’s fault that this happened, let me just clarify, but the way my thoughts carry is truly a remarkable experience and I just wanted to get it off my chest.

So let me give you a little back-story first. I work in an incredibly big company and as such, there are many, many people who I work alongside and I happen to be on a floor that is overpowered by incredibly intelligent men. One of whom happens to be very nice. I’ve always liked dealing with this man because he’s honest and will tell me how it is, he also helps me to understand things that have a lot to do with my job instead of telling me the fix, he tells me why we need to do it etc. So I hold him in high regard.

I recently had my half year review at work and I asked him to give feedback on my performance over the last 6 months. He did so and was actually quite nice about me in the review, which I found surprising since he is a no-nonsense straight shooter who tells it how it is. But anyway, so he happened to compliment me in an email as well which was also VERY surprising but nice nonetheless.

While at lunch today with a colleague, she mentioned that he might like me (the reason for him being so nice) and that shot straight into my brain, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since. For the last two hours I have been going through the motions of what if he does? Is it possible? So here is what happened in those two hours.

Was told that he might like me.

Brain started to think that he was indeed cute…and intelligent…and humble

I started to think…what if he did?

Then it began to think of how truly smart he is…and how I’m not so smart…the fact that only made me think back to my last grade of only a Credit when I’ve been averaging Distinctions.

And thus began my self-loathing. No way would he like me. I’m not smart, I’d only bug him. I’m not pretty enough to be considered dateable, etc.

You get the picture. This could be because I have no self-esteem whatsoever, something also discussed at lunch, and it could be because I have set high standards for myself in the intelligence department and I don’t consider myself intelligent at all. And then comes the “could I be with someone highly successful and intelligent without feeling like a failure in life?”

What kind of road am I going down? What is this thing called self-esteem and where can I sign up for some?

Over and out,

Kandeee

BROTHERS...

BROTHERS.

What do you think of when you think of the word brothers?

Protectors? Bullies? Best friend? Asshole?

What do I think of? Well, considering that I pretty much only have one now that the other one has decided he no longer has me as a sister. What did I say about that when it happened?

I shrugged and said he’d be back. He turned to me the last time his relationship ended and he will again when it happens in the future but was I hasty in my thought process? What if he’s so in love with her that he forgets all about his family and if he’s turned everyone away, will he have the courage to come back and ask for help and guidance?

Thinking back to our childhood, I don’t ever recall him talking to me, including me in on anything. Granted, he is 8 years older than me, but even when I was 16, he found it hard to talk to me. He tried a few times to have “bonding” chats with me but only when he was drunk. He’d rather hang with his friends and be miserable that he didn’t have a girlfriend (mainly due to the fact that he was stoned all the time or just didn’t have the courage to ask a girl out).

How do I feel about this treatment now that I’ve been sitting on it for the past few months?

Hmmm to be completely honest about it, I hate it. I hate that my brother, whom I was so close to for a while and I told everything to, can’t talk to me anymore. He can’t say he was sorry that she called me those things and that she bad mouthed me to everyone I knew. He believed her words that I was lying and she was right.

He chose her over his family and that to me, doesn’t sit right. I am sorry I introduced her to him now and I really thought he would be a bigger person but I was wrong. I was wrong with so many things so here is my apology.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t the person you wanted me to be.

I’m sorry that I don’t want to drink every night and forget about the real issues in life.

I’m sorry that I don’t have a child to a man that doesn’t love me and therefore cannot relate to what she is going through.

I’m sorry that I can’t be someone who can sit there and watch her turn you into a loser who has no friends.

I’m sorry that I don’t want to be friends with someone who swears at her child, doesn’t want to work, drinks/smokes/and does other unspeakable.

And finally, I’m sorry that I don’t need to drink and carry on like a twit when I don’t get my way.

That’s a lot of things to be sorry for but it seems a tall price to pay to lose one’s brother.

Standards & Expectations....

So...I just finished my first assignment for my writing course I began. Yep, I finished one course and took on TWO more lol. I just love being busy and this way, at least, I am doing something worthwhile...although, I can feel the ever building stress begin. Is this how it's always going to be?

How do those uni students handle full time work and studying as well? Is there an off switch because I find myself thinking about how I'm going to be writing my next assignment all day long and thinking of ways that would better my writing!

Argh!!! I had my first day at the Super User conference today at work and actually had a really good day. It went quickly and I have my presentation tomorrow morning :-/
The girls are lovely and everyone was really fun and energetic. I know what I'm talking about so I should be fine...right? haha...Oh...we shall soon see if I have a career in presenting! lol

Anyway, so back to my course. I took up Romance Writing because it's the type I find most difficult. Maybe it's my bitterness towards relationships and "is there really a perfect one?" but I just can't seem to like anyone. I do love my character Xavier. He's my ultimate but for some reason, I find myself becoming jealous of his love interest in Redemption. I think that may be the hardest part of writing because I secretly want to be her...I want to be the one he falls for and protects with his own life.
Is there such a guy that exists or is this all an elaborate scheme my brain is making in order to protect itself from falling for a loser again?
Either way...my standards have skyrocketed and I doubt anyone can withstand the new expectations....

Adios amigoes!

Until next time...

Candy

When Friends Become More...

So...I've heard the age old story. "We were friends first and it makes our bond stronger". Does it? Is there no weird phase in period where you aren't sure whether your friends or lovers? Do you wait a few weeks after deciding you're into each other to sleep with one another? What, exactly is the protocol?

Here's a situation.

A friend you haven't spoken to in a while and you talk almost every day about random crap, mess around with each other and the like, you get my drift. What happens when that friend turns around and wants to know how you think of them? What do you do?

Argh, talk about frustrating! Not to mention if said recipient of that news likes the friend back, so how do you go about letting each other know. I've always been a person of truth and if you like someone, you tell them and if not, well...let them down easy. If there were a way for one to know what the other was thinking without that awkward "does he/does she" scenario, please let me know!

So, back to the facts. Friends, of course, know you the best. You trust them so doesn't it make sense that you could possibly fall for one of them? Why do people warn you away from falling for a friend you've had for years? Is it because that friend knows your deep, dark secrets and how wild you are when you're single? Friends can see the beauty in you that even you can't see, this is a fact, and if that's true than yes, they love you...so why don't ALL of your friends fall in love with you?

Yes, I've been in love...many times, but not once have I ever dated a friend. Usually, if it doesn't work out, then they become friends but never the other way around. I don't want to lose my friends and have usually ruled out dating friends but maybe I'm wrong...maybe I should be trusting in my friends who know me the best and let them show me what it's like to be respected and spoilt.

Hmmm....just a thought....

What if...?

Recently I’ve come across the feeling that maybe everything is planned from the day we are born. We just have different paths we can choose to take and those lead to the experiences we need to experience to learn from. It’s what makes us the person we are and to be honest, although I have been through A LOT in my short life, I don’t regret one thing about it. I don’t regret losing the ‘friends’ that I had because they obviously didn’t care enough about me anyway. I don’t regret having as many boyfriends that I have had because it’s taught me not to trust everything they say and not to fall for everything they say, after all, how do we not know they aren’t saying this to every other girl in their phone book?

But what happens if we doubt the paths we choose? What if we chose the other path? What if instead of dating Kyle, I dated Luke? Would I still be with him? Would he still be the sweet man who stayed up all night talking to me on the phone just because I couldn’t sleep or would he turn out to be just that way to get me in a relationship? Would I be happy with Luke like I was with Kyle at the start? I’ve been thinking a lot about what if’s lately basically because I have nothing better to do but more so because I’ve realised that I’m 24 in just a couple of days and I’ve done only one thing out of many that I thought I would have done by now and I’ve gone back over the major events in my life to see if I could have chosen another path and what was the reason for me choosing the path I did take. Should I be second guessing myself? I mean I love that I’m wise for my age because of the things I’ve been through but what if I had a genie appear and ask me if I wanted to see what my life would be like if I chose a different path? Would I say yes? Hell yes!

I’d love to know where I could possibly be right now if I’d picked a different person/answer. But because this isn’t a Disney movie, I will accept that I chose the path that I took for a reason. So really, why am I second guessing my decisions now? Shouldn’t I just accept it and try to make the best of future decisions? I know that the lessons I will learn will only further prepare me for what is to come and what my fate holds for me. I know that I am a good person and that I will eventually have my happy ending and just because some say I’m bitter doesn’t necessarily mean I am. I do believe that there will be a couple of people that will be the loves of my life (don’t believe in the ONE) and I just need to not fear it and open up my mind to what opportunities are out there for me instead of hiding away behind my laptop and my characters that I created. I know that no one will live up to my vampire-hunting, drop dead sexy character Xavier so no I have not set my standards too high…not yet anyway.

So, here’s to taking chances and not being afraid of opportunities that present themselves to me J

So...what exactly is the difference between Infatuation & Love? I've asked myself this questions many times...usually when I've just started to date someone and didn't want to assume I was in love after a couple of weeks...but now that I've had the question asked of me...I decided to do a little research...as I do.

So here is what I found out...

Infatuation is described as: a foolish and usually extravagant love or admiration of short-lived passion.

OK...so that just described every relationship in the first few months of mine. Does that mean I never loved my ex-boyfriends? Surely not...so I did a deeper search.

Infatuation, in the simplest way possible, is a state in which one is completely carried away by unreasonable passion or love, it's addictive. It can tend to occur at the start of a relationship when the sexual attraction is at its peak. But..however, you don't have to be in a relationship to be infatuated with someone. It could be an acquaintance that you feel you had a connection with but this could be a one-sided connection and I'm sure we've all discovered that at one point in our life. I know I have!

It happens to feel like love and is often hard to imagine this person not in your life but at the end of the day, you will be able to move on, even people in love can move on from their partners who are their world. It just feels like the world will come to an end when you are rejected or find out that they are gay! Yep, it's happened to me before...he was absolutely gorgeous and bam! shock of my life!

Whereas, Infatuation is an intensity of emotion which is strong but it's not pure like love is. Love is an understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. If you are infatuated with someone, you don't tend to see any flaws in the object of your desire and they appear to be almost god-like for you which isn't healthy, no matter how much you deny it. No one is perfect.

Infatuation isn't pure like love is and may be accompanied by lust. It goes about thinking about oneself and not the other person. It's a selfish emotion but in saying that we can also alter ourselves in the vain hope that the object of our infatuation will take a better look and "see" us.

Below is a table of some of the characteristics of Infatuation versed with Love.

Infatuation vs. Love

	Infatuation	Love
Symptoms	Physical desire or lust	Passion, Intimacy, Commitment
Feelings	Extreme Happiness	Euphoria
Meaning	A feeling of being in love with another person.	A tender, passionate affection for another person.
Definition	It is a state of being completely carried away by unreasoning passion.	Emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection or profound oneness
Attribute	Wants the same feeling in return	Does not expect anything in return and only wants what is best for the other person
Actions	Urgency, intensity, sexual desire, anxiety	Calmness, happiness, contentedness

As always, comments are welcome :)

Always,

Candy xo

Why do women target unavailable men?

We all know one of them. A woman who targets unavailable men. No, I don't mean emotionally unavailable men. I mean married, engaged or taken men. I've seen a lot of my friends become stressed over the thought that their partner was cheating on her, most of the time it was paranoia.
So I've put my little brain into motion and researched some articles on this very subject.

What kind of woman targets unavailable men and why?

One woman claimed that she liked the commitment free relationship. She left the moment the man became clingy and wanted to leave his partner. She liked the secrecy of it. The fact that she could be caught at any moment and that it was taboo.

She stated that the allure of an unavailable man was:

1) He's exactly that...unavailable. Women always want what they can't have or as they say, the grass is always greener on the other side.

2) It's a thrill to keep it secret from anyone and everyone.

So perhaps, it's not to do with the man at all but the thought of secret affairs. It sounds like the above woman doesn't want to "steal" the man but use him. Isn't this what men do to women? Play the game?
The phrase, "Hate the game not the player" seems to come into play here.

Another article found states that there were reasons for a woman to love unavailable men. Some of the reasons are listed below.

• Reminder of our first love. It's a known fact that we are always attracted to people who remind us of our first love.
• Looking for the happy ending. Most women choose unavailable partners in order to recreate the past and change the ending.
• Miscalculations. Some women may not even know that the man they've fallen for is actually unavailable (as you may know, men aren't always faithful and have been known to lie about their relationship status). But then, these women may, out of stubbornness or the fact that they have become dependent on this man, refuse to give up and move on...instead creating a competition against the girlfriend for the man.
• Unrequited love. Certain women only fall in love with the man of their dreams. Since no man actually exists, women project their fantasies onto someone and when they see what they want in that someone, they begin to think that man is the man of their dreams. Unavailable men are a target for these women since these men never really let anyone get to know them and so these women can fantasise that this man is really the man she wants him to be.
• Excitement. Chasing after someone who is unavailable can be exciting. The adrenaline pumps and boosts a woman's libido. Romance addicts often go after unavailable men because they are addicted to the chase.

Female participants in an Oklahoma State University study were all shown a photograph of a man they were told matched their personal preferences in a partner. Half the group were told that the guy was single and half were told that he was in a current romantic relationship.

Results: A whopping 90% of women said they'd pursue Unavailable Dude, while only 59% were interested in the same guy when they thought he was single.
The two social psychologists who conducted this study began to wonder whether women prefer attached men because they're regarded as having been "pre-screened".

Miranda from Sex and the City stated that "If a man is over 30 and single, there's something wrong with him". Did she have it right? If a man was still single and looking for a girlfriend, was there a reason that no other girlfriend wanted to keep him? There has to be something wrong if he doesn't have a girlfriend clinging onto him, right?

So in conclusion, I believe that not all women are looking to steal your man, maybe they just want the secret affair to feel sexy again? They want the attention because they aren't getting it anywhere else.

On the other hand, they could also be wanting to find that man that seems perfect. The man that has a girlfriend because he is a catch and they want that for themselves.

I don't condone what these women are doing at all but maybe this is a look into why they do it and/or how you can see when a woman is hunting for your man.

Candy