Friday, February 4, 2011

How To: Keep a FWB without Falling in Love...

How do you successfully keep a FWB without falling in love?
For those of you who do not know what a FWB is, and yes, I've had the question posed to me the last couple of days, a FWB is a ‘Friend with Benefits’ also known as, a fuck buddy. The lines of what a friend and a FWB are can sometimes get confused and that's the purpose of this blog. I've seen a few too many friends fall prey to the 'player' of the game and thinking that they could do it without falling, she had entered into the arrangement with no guide as to what to expect or how to act so here's my points on how to avoid falling for the wrong guy and let's face it...he/she is the wrong person for you if all they want from you is sex and essentially that is what a FWB is. A FWB is a sex toy who moves of their own will. Don't let the name FWB fool you, your FWB is not your friend.
Firstly, if you are to take on a FWB, you need to make the decision of what you are really after. A FWB should not be picked because you are lonely or because you need the interaction on an intimate level. This is what a boyfriend is for and if this is what you truly crave, look for a boyfriend. A FWB can only offer you a couple of minutes sometimes hours if you are lucky of intimate contact but don't misunderstand that this contact is unemotional.
So if you know that all you want to have is continual sex with someone who happens to be good in bed, then here are some steps to follow when hooking up with your FWB to save yourself heartache.
1.       Don't pick someone that you like.
2.       Don’t get to know your FWB.
3.       Only contact your FWB when you want to hook up with them.
4.       Don’t stay the night.
5.       Don’t brag about your other conquests.
6.       Have several going at one time.
Don’t pick someone you like. This can only lead to delusions or fantasies as some like to say about a future together and to be brutally honest, if a man/woman  is happy to be in this situation then he/she does not want to be with you in the future. You are a temporary fix for them and you need to adopt this attitude as well in order to save your poor little heart any hurt. If you find yourself getting excited every time your phone goes off or you are waiting for an email, then you are too closely attached to the person and you need to end it.
Don’t get to know your FWB. Getting to know your FWB is just another way to fall in love. Even if you have do not think you will like them, getting to know their personality could most definitely make you fall. Don’t chat, don’t contact each other unless you need a little release, and limit your text/phone call to what needs to be said. Keep your feelings out of it. If he doesn’t want to come over, don’t get upset, just call someone else. Go out and have fun.
Only contact your FWB when you want to hook up with them. This was briefly highlighted in the paragraph above. Your FWB isn’t your friend. Don’t let the name confuse you. You don’t need to contact them unless you want some tension relief in the sexual manner. A simple text or phone call is all that is needed. Keep it simple, less chance of becoming attached this way.
Don’t stay the night. Some would say this is heartless, leaving after the deed but honestly it’s the only way to stop yourself from falling. Fuck, then get up and leave. You are fuck buddies…it’s not a relationship. Some cuddling is ok but don’t fall asleep in each other’s arms. If, in the case, you have no where else to go, don’t spoon. Stay on your side of the bed and you should be sweet but these kind of encounters are not recommended to continue. Once every now and then is fine but don’t make it a habit of staying the night.
Don’t brag about your other conquests. Sure, this seems like a good idea. Let them know that they aren’t your only option but it’s not. Why brag? It’s not high school! Keep it to yourself and don’t try to make them jealous because if you feel the need to brag, you’re starting to like them and you want them to be jealous of the others. This could go three ways: 1) they will get jealous and demand to know details of this other person = psycho lover, 2) they get jealous and end up going out to make you jealous which can hurt you even more and both of you end up getting hurt or, 3) they could shrug and not care, or they might even tell you of their conquests which can cause you pain. In short, keep it simple and don’t share details.
Have a few going at the same time. There is no rule telling you to limit yourself to one lover. Having more than one lover can prevent you from falling for your FWB and is quite common. Your FWB could quite possibly have more than you as well so don’t feel bad. As long as you’re safe then you don’t have to worry about anything. Again, don’t tell your FWB about the others you hook up with and don’t compare your FWB’s against each other. You can inwardly do it but don’t tell others about it, this leads to anger and resentment and you could find yourself in an awkward situation.
Now those are the rules that I think you should stick to when in a FWB situation. It prevents you from falling for your FWB who only wants you for one thing.
I have asked a few of my friends about their experiences and the one that stood out was one of my male friends telling me what he thought of women turning it around.
He had a FWB for a while and he was happy with their arrangement but he started to see things. At first he thought he was imagining it all and let it slide but soon he realised that she wanted to see him more and more and then he figured it out. She’d tried to make him jealous, she wanted to stay the night all the time, she liked to snuggle and wake up together, she wanted to make him dinner, she wanted to go shopping with him for lingerie, she wanted him to meet her friends….and that’s when he knew he had to end it.
He told me that if a guy wanted to be in a relationship with a girl, he’d date her. He wouldn’t take her on as a FWB, he’d take her on dates, and send her flowers, he wouldn’t call her late at night for a booty call or for sex. Once a guy looks at a woman that way, he won’t think of her as a girlfriend. Ever.
Then on the opposite side of the spectrum, women are different. I asked a few of my girlfriends what they would do if a guy began to do all of the above to them and they said either: “date him, he obviously wants to be with me, who am I to say no to that?” or “well I feel bad, I made him fall in love with me, I can’t break his heart.”
Both of these answers are sooooo wrong! First of all, you don’t be with someone because they fall in love with you. Love is a two way street and if you don’t love them, then you will only prolong the pain when you finally do break up. Secondly, you won’t instantly fall in love with someone when you know they want to be with you, again it’s a two way street. Relationships can be volatile when entered into lightly. Do you really know what you’re getting into?
So in conclusion, follow the above rules and you won’t find yourself heartbroken or in the position of breaking a heart.  

1 comment:

  1. I've successfully turned my FWB into just a friend for all the reasons listed above. We were both getting too close, too emotionally involved.

    A male friend of mine told me that guys put girls in to one of 4 categories:

    1. friend (no sexual attraction whatsoever)
    2. friend with benefits
    3. one of numerous dates
    4. the one

    I suspect I was in category 3 with this guy, and was never going to get to be a category 4 so I've taken control and made him see me as a category 1. We get along so well that I didn't want to lose him from my life completely.

    Now to establish some boundaries regarding bragging about dates etc to avoid jealousy... wish me luck!