Valentine's Day...yay or nay?

So...that dreaded day is coming, isn't it? That one day a year that men are meant to treat their women to flowers, jewelery and chocolate. Hands up if you hate it? Ohhhh look at that a third of the population just raised their hands.

Why does society dictate that we should spend hundreds of dollars on flowers, chocolate, jewelery and stuffed bears that say "I love you" when all you need to do is tell your partner that you love her or him? What ever happened to being creative and spontaneous? Love is meant to be spontaneous. It's what keeps us from getting bored.

What is spontaneity? In layman's terms, it's a new idea that you form and you go with it, not sticking to the same old dull routine. So isn't Valentine's Day, dull? It happens every year. We all know it's coming. Where's the spontaneity there? Where's the fun of never knowing when you're going to be spoilt by your loved one?
Also, who has ever given their male partner a gift? Have you had the thought? Oh no, it's Valentine's Day soon...what should I get the man I love? Is it really fair that Valentine's Day is for women? What do men get? They may not want flowers or chocolate or jewelery but come on, give them something to show you appreciate them. It kind of seems like they get the poor end of the stick on this one.

If I asked a handful of people what the history of Valentine's Day even meant, do you think I would get an answer? Do you think anyone has actually taken the time to research it and find out why we celebrate a day of "love" rather than just reap the rewards of having someone love you?

Well here it goes.

Valentine's Day is named after a kindly cleric named Valentine (shocker) who died more than a thousand years ago. Even though I'm no romantic, I can appreciate a sweet love story and the efforts of someone who defied his superior in order to stand by what he thought to be right. This story actually made me appreciate Valentine's Day, after all, it's history.

St Valentine's Day originated from the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalis/Lupercalia which was a fertility celebration that used to be observed annually on the 15th of February.

In 496 AD, Pope Gelasius turned Lupercalia into a Christian feast day and set it to be on 14th February. He proclaimed that it was to be a feast day in honour of Saint Valentine, a Roman martyr who lives in the 3rd century.

Saint Valentine was a bishop who held secret marriage ceremonies of soldiers in opposition to Roman emperor Claudius II who had prohibited marriage for young men and was executed for his 'atrocities'.
When Claudius became the emperor, he felt that married men were more emotionally attached to their families, and thus, will not make good soldiers. He believed that marriage made the mean weak. So he had issued an edict forbidding marriage to assure quality soldiers.

The kindly bishop Valentine realised that this was an injustice and he saw the trauma of young lovers who gave up all hopes of being united in marriage. So he came up with the idea of marrying young lovers in secret. Whenever lovers thought of marrying, they went to Valentine who met them in a secret place, and joined them in the sacrament of matrimony.

But things like this could not stay hidden for long, and it was only a matter of time before Claudius came to know of this "friend of lovers" and had him arrested.

While he was waiting for his sentence in prison, one of his jailors' Asterius, had asked Valentine (who, it was said, had some saintly abilities and one of them was to heal people) to heal his blind daughter. It is said that Valentine did, indeed, help Asterius' daughter but it is not said how this was done.

Claudius met with Valentine to try to convert him to the Roman gods but he was unsuccessful. Valentine refused and even tried to convert the emperor! He knew the consequences of such an action and yet he tried. Claudius was so angered by this action of Valentine's that he gave the order to execute him.

Meanwhile, a deep friendship had developed between Valentine and Asterius' daughter. It is even said that just before his executive, Valentine asked for pen and paper and he signed a farewell message to her "From Your Valentine". A phrase that has lived on through the ages.

The story of St Valentine is not centred on love but on religion. He was martyred for refusing to renounce his religion. Valentine was executed on February 14, 270 AD.

So...why do we celebrate Valentine's Day with offerings of love?

Every Valentine's Day, whether I'm with someone or not, I spend with my girlfriends. I don't want to folllow some fad that everyone follows. I'm not a sheep. Yes it would be nice if a man loved me and showered me with gifts, but does it have to be on one specific day a year? A day that EVERYONE gets spoilt?

How To: Keep a FWB without Falling in Love...

How do you successfully keep a FWB without falling in love?

For those of you who do not know what a FWB is, and yes, I've had the question posed to me the last couple of days, a FWB is a ‘Friend with Benefits’ also known as, a fuck buddy. The lines of what a friend and a FWB are can sometimes get confused and that's the purpose of this blog. I've seen a few too many friends fall prey to the 'player' of the game and thinking that they could do it without falling, she had entered into the arrangement with no guide as to what to expect or how to act so here's my points on how to avoid falling for the wrong guy and let's face it...he/she is the wrong person for you if all they want from you is sex and essentially that is what a FWB is. A FWB is a sex toy who moves of their own will. Don't let the name FWB fool you, your FWB is not your friend.

Firstly, if you are to take on a FWB, you need to make the decision of what you are really after. A FWB should not be picked because you are lonely or because you need the interaction on an intimate level. This is what a boyfriend is for and if this is what you truly crave, look for a boyfriend. A FWB can only offer you a couple of minutes sometimes hours if you are lucky of intimate contact but don't misunderstand that this contact is unemotional.

So if you know that all you want to have is continual sex with someone who happens to be good in bed, then here are some steps to follow when hooking up with your FWB to save yourself heartache.

1.       Don't pick someone that you like.

2.       Don’t get to know your FWB.

3.       Only contact your FWB when you want to hook up with them.

4.       Don’t stay the night.

5.       Don’t brag about your other conquests.

6.       Have several going at one time.

Don’t pick someone you like. This can only lead to delusions or fantasies as some like to say about a future together and to be brutally honest, if a man/woman  is happy to be in this situation then he/she does not want to be with you in the future. You are a temporary fix for them and you need to adopt this attitude as well in order to save your poor little heart any hurt. If you find yourself getting excited every time your phone goes off or you are waiting for an email, then you are too closely attached to the person and you need to end it.

Don’t get to know your FWB. Getting to know your FWB is just another way to fall in love. Even if you have do not think you will like them, getting to know their personality could most definitely make you fall. Don’t chat, don’t contact each other unless you need a little release, and limit your text/phone call to what needs to be said. Keep your feelings out of it. If he doesn’t want to come over, don’t get upset, just call someone else. Go out and have fun.

Only contact your FWB when you want to hook up with them. This was briefly highlighted in the paragraph above. Your FWB isn’t your friend. Don’t let the name confuse you. You don’t need to contact them unless you want some tension relief in the sexual manner. A simple text or phone call is all that is needed. Keep it simple, less chance of becoming attached this way.

Don’t stay the night. Some would say this is heartless, leaving after the deed but honestly it’s the only way to stop yourself from falling. Fuck, then get up and leave. You are fuck buddies…it’s not a relationship. Some cuddling is ok but don’t fall asleep in each other’s arms. If, in the case, you have no where else to go, don’t spoon. Stay on your side of the bed and you should be sweet but these kind of encounters are not recommended to continue. Once every now and then is fine but don’t make it a habit of staying the night.

Don’t brag about your other conquests. Sure, this seems like a good idea. Let them know that they aren’t your only option but it’s not. Why brag? It’s not high school! Keep it to yourself and don’t try to make them jealous because if you feel the need to brag, you’re starting to like them and you want them to be jealous of the others. This could go three ways: 1) they will get jealous and demand to know details of this other person = psycho lover, 2) they get jealous and end up going out to make you jealous which can hurt you even more and both of you end up getting hurt or, 3) they could shrug and not care, or they might even tell you of their conquests which can cause you pain. In short, keep it simple and don’t share details.

Have a few going at the same time. There is no rule telling you to limit yourself to one lover. Having more than one lover can prevent you from falling for your FWB and is quite common. Your FWB could quite possibly have more than you as well so don’t feel bad. As long as you’re safe then you don’t have to worry about anything. Again, don’t tell your FWB about the others you hook up with and don’t compare your FWB’s against each other. You can inwardly do it but don’t tell others about it, this leads to anger and resentment and you could find yourself in an awkward situation.

Now those are the rules that I think you should stick to when in a FWB situation. It prevents you from falling for your FWB who only wants you for one thing.

I have asked a few of my friends about their experiences and the one that stood out was one of my male friends telling me what he thought of women turning it around.

He had a FWB for a while and he was happy with their arrangement but he started to see things. At first he thought he was imagining it all and let it slide but soon he realised that she wanted to see him more and more and then he figured it out. She’d tried to make him jealous, she wanted to stay the night all the time, she liked to snuggle and wake up together, she wanted to make him dinner, she wanted to go shopping with him for lingerie, she wanted him to meet her friends….and that’s when he knew he had to end it.

He told me that if a guy wanted to be in a relationship with a girl, he’d date her. He wouldn’t take her on as a FWB, he’d take her on dates, and send her flowers, he wouldn’t call her late at night for a booty call or for sex. Once a guy looks at a woman that way, he won’t think of her as a girlfriend. Ever.

Then on the opposite side of the spectrum, women are different. I asked a few of my girlfriends what they would do if a guy began to do all of the above to them and they said either: “date him, he obviously wants to be with me, who am I to say no to that?” or “well I feel bad, I made him fall in love with me, I can’t break his heart.”

Both of these answers are sooooo wrong! First of all, you don’t be with someone because they fall in love with you. Love is a two way street and if you don’t love them, then you will only prolong the pain when you finally do break up. Secondly, you won’t instantly fall in love with someone when you know they want to be with you, again it’s a two way street. Relationships can be volatile when entered into lightly. Do you really know what you’re getting into?

So in conclusion, follow the above rules and you won’t find yourself heartbroken or in the position of breaking a heart.  

What drives someone to be a player?

I've always had this picture in my head of a man with countless women at his side and it's widely acceptable. Take Hugh Hefner for example. He has three girlfriends who all know about each other and accept it. They all live happily ever after in a big mansion. Some say it's disgusting and yes to a degree it is because he's almost in his 80s and his girlfriends are gorgeous and in their 20s. His own children are much older than his girlfriends and yet most men idolise Hugh.
Why? Why is there an incessant need for men to have more than one woman in his life?

I conducted a survey with asking the question why did they think men were so attracted to being players. The recipients were: men, women, single, married, engaged and divorced friends. The responses were all similar and yet they are differed in the way everyone thinks.
I understand it that the way someone thinks is based on the way they have been treated. Every woman has had that heartbreak, that experience where they absolutely hate the opposite sex and claim they don't understand them. Do we? Do we always act so rationally? Yes...men are a species we won't ever understand and there is a reason. I've read a book that made me appreciate the differences between men and women and their thought processes. This book was written by a Doctor and Sex Therapist named Dr. Theresa L. Crenshaw and the book is "The Alchemy of Love and Lust", if it hadn't of been for this book, I would have given up on love or even understanding men a LONG time ago and my relationship with my last boyfriend, we'll call him Snake, would have failed from day two.

I'm not condoning what men think is right but the book highlights the fact that we, men and women, have completely different hormones and different ways of reacting to certain hormonal outbreaks. When it comes to the way men objectify women by "playing the field", I think that women are just as responsible in the act these days. I've found more men willing to commit in my group of friends and yet more of my female friends wanting to "play and have fun". What happened?
What happened to the idea that men were to be promiscuous and unable to settle down and women cried over the bad boy type?
Are women now the bad girls who have sappy men crying over them? Is this a generational thing that somehow was implanted in us growing up by the feminists bursting out at the injustices of the world. Men could do this, men were allowed to do everything and women were to stay at home and cook and rear the children.
This train of thought or even jokes relating to this pasttime can be met with hostility and sometimes violence. Men are just as capable with hands and legs as women are. They can wash up, they can vacuum and they can bloody well rear children. We just happen to have a uterus and give birth.

Wow I got a little carried away there...back to the topic at hand. The men I spoke to gave me a little insight into why men get away and enjoy being players. One response was a broken heart. He didn't want to feel that heartbreak again and so he turned his emotions inward and didn't get invested in another woman again. Is this an answer? Do I think that it's the best way to avoid heartbreak? No.
Just because one woman did it to you, doesn't mean the next one will. It's all apart of being an adult. We get hurt, we grieve, we move on and experience what life has to offer us.
Another response was he wasn't ready for a relationship, he had his career up in the air and he couldn't devote his time to just one woman. He'd want to be able to show her how much he desired her and yet when he had a job that he was so focused on, he couldn't do that.
Mmm I don't believe that. You have this awesome job and yet you can play the field with numerous women? You're giving more of yourself to meet all these different women instead of staying with one who could possibly know more about you than you do. I think it's an excuse not to fall in love, and not to be heartbroken because you know what it's like.

I received the following from women: they want their cake and to eat it too, they're selfish and don't care about anyone but themselves, they want their mates to envy them.

As you can see, men like to justify their actions by giving reasons for the way they act the way they do and women tend to take a more bitter approach. I've noticed of late that women are beginning to take the role of "player" to all new levels but can women keep themselves unattached?

I've come to the conclusion that it's a personal choice. Whether it's a woman or a man, we choose to be promiscuous and  have fun. We choose to begin a relationship and to end one. It all comes down to choice. Do we want to be a "player" or do we want to be in a committed relationship?
No one can tell us to be someone we aren't. We choose to be a player and we can also choose to be against the idea and hate the players of the world but in the end, we can make the choice to be happy and enjoy our life however we want to without hating the idea of a "player" because in the end, aren't we all? We all play games of some kind, whether it be playstation, a facebook application, an iphone application, or mind games. We all play them and we all get played by them. So isn't being a player just another game we all either conform to or are played by?

New Beginnings

So I am one of the women who grew up thinking that it had to be women with older men and when those husbands had mid-life crises we had to give them the leeway to flirt with a young bimbo to keep our marriage alive.
Now...think back to the days when you were married off to men three times your age at the tender age of 15. How far have we come? Is this where it had been ingrained in society that older men was who you should be with?
After all, women's maturity came at a young age and men struggled with maturity until well into their forties and even then we have to struggle.
I have failed at many relationships and come to the conclusion that casual flings are the way to go. It appears that women form attachments if they allow themselves to get caught up on the humour of men and stay the night a little too much. It's all in the hormones or so I've read.
So...in short, don't spend the night unless you have no other place to go, and don't snuggle.
Crystal clear isn't it? But what drags us back to the arms of a complete jerk who plays the game because he wants some company or he wants some physical interaction. So why do we walk back into his arms knowing all of this? Do we think that we could change who they are with just being with them?

So I've come to a point in my life, even being just 23 years old, that I want fun. No seriousness. Why are we always so serious about everything all the time? When is the time for honest fun? If children can have fun, why can't we find some fun in our everyday lives?
When was the last time you actually just laughed all day long, enjoyed every moment of your life and didn't think about the things that keep us from enjoying life. We all have problems but do we have to stress about them constantly without having time for just five minutes of fun? Five minutes that turns into ten...and so on.

I've recently stumbled across the joy of finding joy in the most basic way. I've decided to take on a lover who is a few years junior to me. So what, you say? Well this has come from my adolescence where I never even fancied a man younger than me. I couldn't. It just wasn't attractive to me. I loved an older, more experienced man and for what? For them to realise that there are more fish in the sea and that he could maybe do better?
No...this time around, I don't want to fall in love, quite the opposite. I want a friend who I can trust, who I can call upon when I need help, romancing or just someone to talk to. It's a long way off before I will call one of my lovers this but it's my new wish. My wish for 2011.
Not only is a younger man more energetic and twice as surprising but they are also twice as eager to please who they are with. Lack of experience doesn't always necessarily mean that they are clueless...maybe it's a natural gift for the younger generation? Maybe we had it wrong all along, we don't always pick up expertise from experience, but maybe we learn as we go along.
I wonder what I will learn in the next couple of weeks before I am forced to give up this amazing gift I have in a younger man.